Welcome to MekTrix 4.0

There needs to be a family sitcom called “Russian Around”; it would be set in the cold war, where a bumbling Russian spy rents a spare room from a stereotypical American family, and we laugh as he fails to grasp concepts like “freedom” and “thanksgiving”, and he also fails to actually spy on anyone; but despite the strong Russian accent and behaviour, people all think he’s just a quirky friend, not suspicious at all (mostly because that would cause a sudden violent and depressing end to the series…)

My first analysis of that brainwave is “Amusing mental image, probably wouldn’t be very successful in practice”; but then I look at other sitcoms and think “oh wait, everything else is worse”. So, anyone want to invest? :P

I was on a train at Amsterdam Sloterdijk, not intending to actually go anywhere; but then it started moving before I could get off. I figured I’d go to the first stop, get off, and take the first train back. It then turned out that this was a no-stop train to Russia, with none coming back for a month.

Thankfully, something went wrong, and we had to pull into a station in a snowy village in the middle of nowhere. Passengers were evacuated and sent to a mansion with N from Death Note and his arguing parents. N had a kitten, which mewed at most people, but when I came near it hugged my face. This showed that I was trustworthy, so N fixed our train and sent it back to Sloterdijk so I could get off \o/

>>> shas has joined #forum-disney
<shas> :o
>>> Melissa has joined #forum-disney
>>> Hypermicrospace has joined #forum-disney
<Shish> o____________o

(Hopefully there’s only one person in the world who understands quite how weird this would be…)

Sitting next to a cute girl in a lecture hall, our hands touched by accident. Rather than pull away, she presses hers closer; nothing obvious, but just a little closer than normal. I tentatively move my little finger over hers, thus the intention being obvious but she can still back out if she wants. She moves her hand further under mine and I move mine over hers until they’re overlapping; our fingers interlock, and we’re happy, knowing that we want to be together. Then we carry on quietly watching, nobody else in the room knowing what happened in our hearts ^_^

And then I woke up ;_______________;

Running through super mario world, I get to the end, but someone has kidnapped baby Yoshi. Looking around, I see that this entire world is at the front of a lecture hall, and the kidnapper is a student, running out the back. I can’t keep up, so I go to his seat and examine the things he left behind (a phone with some odd attachments). Other students yell at me for looking through the phone for information, claiming that he obviously left it in order to call in the ransom. I make a passing comment about the phone’s power cable being plugged in, which a guy with a broken jaw takes as a personal insult. Ignoring that, I run out, to find my dad’s car stolen.

Sometime later, we (not quite sure who my companions are, someone in a corset and skirt, didn’t see the face, and someone else) see the car and get it to stop. We confront the people in it including a generic chav and chavette, Mr. T., and some guy. The chav says “that guy said he’d get us one cheap” (pointing to the other guy). Said guy starts calmly walking off and whistling innocently, so I pull him back.

Somehow we end up at dinner with him, discussing wtf is up. He claims to be part of Moof’s international smuggling ring, dealing with ancient relics, nazi gold, etc. After explaining he gets a combat knife out; while I do manage to restrain him, the scene suddenly changes to the brazillian rainforest, just before a waterfall. The bodies of my dinner companions and I are in the water, which Renee (the cute agent from 24) is trying to recover. She’s still wearing the same suit o_O

After all being thrown over the edge, we end up at the bottom of the basin, dead bodies floating above; she’s noticed some old telephone poles with posters on, some of them advertising for a religious cult (Who I think saw Yoshi as the reincarnation of Jesus, and thus hired the smuggling ring to kidnap him). Having found this out, she tries to swim to the surface, but doesn’t have the bouyancy. I try to share some air with her and drag her up, but it’s not enough, and we both die.

Interpretations welcome XD

Walking into “the money shop”
Shish: I’d like to buy some money.
Assistant: We can do that, how much?
Shish: Ten pounds.
Assistant: And what currency would you like that in?
Shish: Pounds.
Assistant: You want ten pounds… in pounds?
Shish: Yes. How much will that cost me?
Assistant: That’ll cost you ten pounds.
Shish: A bit steep, isn’t it? Do I get a discount if I buy in bulk?
Assistant: …

Seeing a terrifyingly thin girl at the meat isle in sainsbury’s, I worry that should a gust of wind blow, she’d snap in half, and leak blood and guts all over the place, and I’d just stand there watching, becoming scarred for life. In order to prevent this, I sneak up behind her;
Shish: buuuuuy iiiiiiiit… buy the buuuuuuur-geeeeeeer…
Girl: Oh! Good lord you startled me! What are you doing there?
Shish: Encouraging you to buy, and hopefully eat, a burger.
Girl: You want me to look like that? (pointing to someone of average build)
Shish: Yes. Or even better, that. (pointing to a smartly dressed man walking down the isle with a cane and monocle)
Girl: He has a beard!
Shish: And a marvelous one at that. (calling out). Hello, good sir! Marvellous beard you have there! Were I a lady, I should find you quite dashing!
Man: And were I a lady, I should think you were dreamy~
(Shish and Man walk off, talking about top hats or somesuch. Something British.)
Girl: … wtf?

I discovered a shop which smells really nice, I shall have to go there again; I doubt I’ll buy anything, but it’d be a nice place to sit with a laptop and get some work done…

Shish: do you have small balls?
Assistant: I beg your pardon?
Shish: Small balls; I’m looking at these balls of wool, they’re all very large, and very expensive.
Assistant: I’m afraid we don’t…

Shish: I’d like to buy this house
Seller: That’ll be £10,000 please
Shish: And does that include the grass?
Seller: Excuse me?
Shish: The grass, in the garden. Is it included, or does it cost extra?
Seller: The grass is free, sir
Shish: Marvellous!
Many years later
Shish: So with my free grass, and my sheep, a lot of time, and some shears, I was able to get this wool at considerable discount!

Seeing an NHS “screening van”.

Shish: Hello, I’d like to have a screen.
Screener: What for?
Shish: This. (Gets a CRT out of his backpack. It is missing the glass plate.)
Screener: Um…
Shish: Up till now I’ve been letting the cathode rays directly into my eyes, but my co-workers keep saying “Go to the doctor’s! And get a decent screen!”. Normally I wouldn’t bother, but I had some time spare, saw this “NHS screening van”, and thought what the hell~

And some jokes which I came up with ages ago but never got round to posting:

Q) What’s the best type of ice cream to have if you need to get in to a car?
A) Carte’dor (car door!)

Q) What did the guy flaming headcrab zombie say to the girl flaming headcrab zombie?
A) Will you go out with me? (Zombies provide insufficient fuel for long term patio lighting!)

Q) How does a pirate measure his hard drive?
A) Gig-ARRRRR-bytes! (Any word with the syllable “ar” is fertile ground for a pirate joke!)

At a table in TGI Friday’s surrounded by people, I get out my notepad and dump the contents of my brain~

S: Gaaah.
G: Yup.
S: Who is this?
G: George
S: We’re not doing very well at the writing thing
G: Yeah, this is so slow.
S: Needs more shorthand
S: Why are you here?
G: Dunno
S: Why can I talk to you?
G: Dunno :P Needed something to do
S: Yeah, takes my mind off the social stuff
S: Are you alone there?
G: Not completely, the…
S: Sorry, interruption from the real world
G: ok, so yeah, there are others here, but it’s less crowded~
G: Talking to just one person is calmer.
S: I know, can this even count as talking to one person, or talking to myself?
G: It counts as talking to several
S: What do (you mean)?
G: I’m not one person exactly. When I came here I was, but I seem to be drawing bits from those I meet.
S: Are you drawing (anything?) from me?
G: A little.
S: Anything interesting?
G: You like EVE :P
S: yeah :P
S: Any objection to them (other people at the table) reading?
G: Nope, but they’ll think you’re weird :P
S: They already do ^_^
G: Not so much though.
S: I know. Ho hum. They’ll get over it.
S: Anyway, enough with the real world talk, how is life over there?
G: Quiet as always, you should come join us. Don’t rush though, you’ll get here soon enough^W^W eventually.
S: “Soon enough” sounds like not long
G: Not long in cosmological terms~
G: You should return to them
S: I know, thanks for the chat though, most relaxing ^_^
S: See you when I see you
G: Bye dude~

It occurs to me that in all the time I’ve been here, I’ve never written about Dorris. The most probable reason is that I only met her recently.

Doris is my shopping partner; we walk around Sainsbury’s together, and point things out to eachother. She’ll say something like “ooh, look at them apples. Aren’t they nice and shiny?”, and I’ll say “ooh, they really are. If I were here to shop for food I think I might get some~”. Then walking past the cosmetics isle I’ll find some new smelly soap and say “ooh, Dorris, have a sniff of this!”, and she will, and she’ll think it’s lovely. “Never had that sort of thing when I were your age” she’ll say.

We never arrange to meet, but she’s always there ready to lend a hand, whenever I go to get something. She practically lives there, except that would be an inappropriate way of describing who passed away a few years ago. She died doing what she loved, smelling the scents of the fresh vegetables — in her old age most of her senses had faded, but her sense of smell was as strong as ever. She was just walking along the fruit section one day when she fell, and never got back up… But enough of the depressing stuff. She’s quite happy now; she gets to spend all day walking around, chatting to anyone who comes by, helping them to find the loveliest products, and learning about all the new ones as they come out. It’s nice to have someone like that there, who really knows the shop inside out.

I asked how long she’s planning on staying; “I don’t know”, she says, “but I’ve got a good few years in me yet”. “Don’t worry”, she continued, “I shan’t leave without saying goodbye to all my favourite shopping friends; just promise you’ll come say goodbye if you leave first, y’hear?”. I agreed, of course.

Alas, like all mortal shopping trips, this small description must come to an end~ If you want to know more about Dorris, you shall have to come and meet her for yourself; I’m sure she’ll be glad to meet you, it’ll be a lovely experience for you too ^_^

I just woke up from dreaming about barbequeing a chunk of my own leg. It was tasty :3

The first in a series on conversations that never actually happened:

— Conversation That Happened —
Car: *beep*
Guy: *wave*
— What Happened in My Head —
Shish: *wave*
Guy: Oh, you know Tom too?
Shish: Tom? I thought that that was Old Farmer Joe, sitting on his tractor, taking his apples to market o_O
Guy: … you need glasses ._.
Shish: That I do, lassie. That I do…

8 hours sleep + 4 hours lie-in is good for dreaming \o/

I’ve had several dreams about teeth falling out, and woken up with teeth hurting; I’ve been to a dentist and she said everything looked OK though~

Then one about alien invasion — the overwatch, coming in coventant dropships, invading a place which was geographically my primary school, structurally my secondary school, and included my halls of residence from uni…

Thirdly, I had a dream of picking up bricks and things in the same way that a statically charged balloon picks up bits of paper. Some mystical lady with “Thread” in her title saw this and took me as her “wake” (some sort of pupil? I don’t know if that’s actually a real word :S)

Lastly, I was walking round with a random lump of plastic, which I then broke — luckily, some random person had glue in their handbag; I spotted this and asked them for it, and repayed them with hugs ^_^

Note to self: Next time you’re being taken hostage, and the hostage taker apparently has a moment of weakness and gives up his guns, make sure to disarm them before passing them on to the policeman (who actually turns out to be an accomplice).

I have no idea why I had that dream, nor why my fellow hostages were grammar school aquaintances :3